This too shall pass....

Moday Sammie had her developmental follow up at the clinic and things seemed to go really well.....up until we met with the nurse practioner. I was advised that Samantha seemed to be doing really well however she wanted to ask some more medical questions. As she aksed her questions I answered them all with such great pride for how well my daughter is doing, but that feeling was smashed, the nurse practioner told me that she does not want to discharge Samantha yet and that they want to keep an eye on her some more. Also, that we should have her tested for Cystic fibrosis becuase Sammie seems to be showing some signs of it. Well....after doing much resurch on that, I was surprised the nurse was so incredably non-chalant about telling me about this. It is horriable, it put me in a deep depression.

So we meet with Samanthas lung specialst and I brought up the situation to her, I was shocked to hear that this was not the first time the possibiblity has crossed a specialsit mind. However, her lung specialist told me that she did not think Sammie had it but she did want to rule it out....basiclly she thinks its possible but does not want to freak me out yet.

So here I am waiting for the test, not knowing when its going to be done and what the outcome is going to be......I cant even begin to explaine my anxity, fear and sorrow. I am praying to god that Sammie does not have it and that the explanation for Sammies medical problems is all prematuity.

Today, wednesday, we went to get her eye exame and......well she needs glasses, we picked the cutest glasses we could find for a 2 1/2 year old but it was still a bit heart breaking to me. Next is her hearing test and I am hoping that its going to be normal, however the last one we had I was told she needs tubes in her ears and she has quite a bit of hearing loss. That appointment is not for another 6 months....so I will have to wait and see.

You know, I still am greatful that even thought my little girl has some eye, ear, lung, growth issues she is still a very SMART and beautiful little girl and I pray that things will only get better for her......and us.

God...please be with us.

My Sweet Samantha

Its January 10th 2008, you are 2 years 6 months 2 weeks and 2 days old. You weigh 24 pounds and honestly I don’t know how tall you are but you are growing so beautifully. It seems like only a few months ago that I gave birth to you. When people say “time fly’s by” or “it seems like only yesterday that my child was a baby” I never quite grasped that, I never completely understood how that could feel. Tonight I grasped those concepts like never before. I held you in my arms while you slept, I brushed your face with my fingers and I admired your perfect lips. I was in awe at how much you look like me yet you look so much like your father too, you are a part of us, you carry us within you.

I watched every breath you took like it was a miracle, like there was nothing in the world that was more important at that moment then to just look at you. Then, at that moment it hit me like a ton of bricks….you are a miracle. No, sweetie, not your every day miracle, you are a true gift from god in every way. You were meant to be here. You were meant to be our wonderful child. Somehow you were meant to be on this earth and touch the lives you encounter, even at infancy. The feeling of you and god’s work went so deep into my soul that I could not stop crying form joy. While you laid there in my arms I relived every moment of my pregnancy with you, your birth and the years leading to now. It has been years. Not once did the reality of every thing hit me until that moment. Oh, and how I would do it over and over and over again, no matter the pain, the fear or the moments of sorrow, that was the smallest price any one has ever paid for such a phenomenal gift. All I could do was thank god, I thanked him for giving you to me, I thanked him for watching over you and making you healthier. Most of all I thanked him for making you every bit of who you are and who you will be.

I wish I could capture these moments into a bottle so I will never loose them. I wish that there will never be a day in my life that I forget these wonderful moments of your childhood. This is my capture of time, my letter to you. I know one day these days we live at this moment will be a vague or lost memory as new wonderful memories take their place.

There were nights I cried thinking I would never have a child, I would never know motherhood, or the touch of a infants hand, or the joy of all the first’s life brought to little minds, the feel of a love beyond comprehension beyond our understanding. Never, not once did I realize how much I underestimated those moments in my daydreams. There will never be words to describe how you make me feel. How much I love you, it’s an understatement to say I would give my life for you. If you filled the world, the skies and the havens with pure love that would not be enough to measure my love for you.

There are times that I am so sad to think that there are people who will never know what a blessing it is to know you. To see you grow and learn, it’s like watching the creation of a wonderful person right before your eyes. Oh, how they are missing out on something, someone who is truly unique and special. There are few souls in the world like yours, there are not many people who carry god within them like you do. The innocent and unconditional love you carry with in you is rare. No one could ever compare to you, you are your own being entirely.



I want to capture a wonderful thing that happened today, I want you to know how smart and intelligent you are.
Today you had your developmental review and the therapist was in shock at how much progress you made in the last eight months. Eight months ago you were 2-4 months delayed in your development, your speech was 6-8 months delayed and you physical capabilities as a toddler were delayed from 2-6 months. You not only caught up with your age but you went above and beyond that. You are 30 ½ months and you are developmentally 30-36 months. Your speech and physical capabilities are right on target. Wow, how you continue to amaze me.

Samantha, I want you to remember that there are always moments in life where you feel pure happiness and pure sadness but there will always be pure love, never forget that in your best or your worst of days.

Love,
Your mommy

Our Gift From God

You are my gift from God, little one
From Mommy and daddy’s first vows to God
Awaiting our fondest wish and prayers to be answered
Our happiest day, the beginning of a new family
God had given us a baby when all hope was lost
Mommy is beside me with God by her side

You are my gift from God, little one
Mommy and daddy can’t wait to meet you
You are growing inside me so quickly
I can feel your little feet and hands move smoothly
We will name you after your Grandma
Who is beside me with God by her side

You are my gift from God, little one
Yes, something is happening but don’t be scared my little baby
There in my womb is where you need to be
I will keep you there even if it kills me
Until you are ready my little baby, Mommy will hang on
Mommy is beside me with God by her side

You are my gift form God, little one
God said it is time but don’t be afraid my little baby
Daddy is there to take my place until mommy is safe
He says you’re beautiful and you stole his heart
When you opened your eyes and met his for the first time
Mommy is beside me with God by her side

You are my gift from God, little one
You are so incredibly small
Just a pound and a half, at 11 inches’ tall
The doctors say you’re alright but any thing could happen
So just sit tight little baby every thing is going to be alright
Mommy is beside you with God by her side

You are my gift from God, little one
Something does not feel right my little baby
Don’t you ever give up, you have to hang on
Surgery and life support will help you fight
I know it’s so scary and it seems like there is no end
Mommy is beside you with God by her side

You are my gift from God, little one
It’s been a few months and we are almost there
You fought so long and hard, you gave us so many scares
Just a few more pounds my little baby and home is near
Soon this will be just a memory of our heart ace and tears
Mommy is beside you with God by her side

You are my gift from God, little one
It’s been three months; we finally get to take you home
You are still sick my little baby but home is where you need to be
I will hold and love you every minute of every day
Love and nourishment will bring you along your way
Mommy is beside you with God by her side

You are my gift from God, little one
Wow, you are getting so strong
It’s been six months and you are moving right along
Smiles and giggles, laughs and coos
Doing all the things I thought I would never see you do
Mommy is beside you with God by her side

You are my gift from God, little one
Oh my…it’s a year! So beautiful, smart and strong
You steal every ones heart one by one
That’s it little baby you can do it….you can crawl
Mommy never left your side little baby
Mommy is beside you forever with God by her side

Written by,
Jessica H Black
June 8th 2005

How it all started

My Husband and I had such a hard time getting pregnant, for over a year we tried with no success, little did we know that the best thing that ever happened to us was planned by god and right around the corner, all we had to do was wait patiently.

We gave up in December of 2004 and hoped that maybe the doctors could help us. January 26th 2006 I felt different, I felt sick and dizzy, needless to say I was a month late, regardless of how typical it was for me to be late I knew I was pregnant but I had to be certain. I went to the Raleys grocery store and bought two boxes of pregnancy tests containing 3 tests in each box. When I got home I took every single test, in awe of the faint line that kept showing I was pregnant. Could it be true? Was I pregnant? I called the customer service number on the pregnancy test box and asked the representative if I had two lines on the pregnancy test but one was faint does that still mean I am pregnant? the gentleman said it was positive. I was so excited that I called my Grandmother, grandfather as well as my mom and asked them to hurry over. When they got there I had all pregnancy tests laid out on the bathroom counter and they were so thrilled.

My first appointment was mid February and I had an ultrasound done, I was supposed to be 8 weeks pregnant according to my menstrual cycle, but when the doctor did the ultrasound she said I was only 5 weeks pregnant according to the size of the gestational sack and there was no baby in my womb, she said I was most likely miscarrying. The doctor told me to come back in two weeks. That was the LONGEST two weeks of my life. When I came back for my second ultrasound she saw our baby and she healthy and growing, however I was still measuring 3 weeks earlier than I should have been, I was supposed to be 10 weeks pregnant but our baby was only measuring 7 weeks, I assured her I was 10 weeks but she insisted I was only 7, but I knew better, I was 10 weeks pregnant with our child and I was sure of it!

Every day I did research on the internet to learn about the changes and growth our baby was going through, what to eat and not to eat, what I should and should not be doing. I wanted to make sure you were as healthy as could be. In my 23th week of pregnancy I was talking my grandmother and she asked how I was doing and I told I was doing well and that today I read that I have hit a pregnancy millstone, that should I go into labor my baby is able to survive out side of the womb, I was certain that I was not going to birth prematurely I just thought that was interesting and I was so excited that our baby had come so far. But god had another plan for our daughter, she was meant to be a very special little girl. That same day was the first day other people could feel her kick inside me, when my husband got home from work I had him hold my belly and feel her kick for the first time.

Just one week later on June 17th 2006, my husband and I went to a routine ultrasound to check my dates and see how she was doing. The ultrasound technician told me that I was due September 24th 2006 and we were defiantly having a girl. I was concerned though, our baby looked really low to me and I asked why that was she assured me you were fine, but after a hour she could not see my cervix, she copied some pictures and left the room and she did that three or four times, I started to get scared. My silly husband said “maybe she’s ready to come out” and he started to sing “All my bags are packed and I am ready to go”. I playfully hit his arm and laughed.
The ultrasound technician had to do a vaginal ultrasound to check my cervix afterwards she had a doctor come in and tell us that I was a centimeter dilated and 90 % effaced and I was in premature labor, that I need to go to the hospital immediately. I wallowed in tears while my husband nervously got the car. We went to Sutter memorial hospital and called our family members to meet us there, that there was something wrong.

When we got to the hospital every one was there, Grandmother, Grandfather, my mom and my step dad. While the doctors were testing me she started to kick and every one got a chance to feel her move around.

I was admitted to the hospital and I was to stay until I had delivered. The plan was to pump me with steroids to help her develop fast and a mussel relaxer to keep me from going further into labor, hopefully I would stay pregnant for at least another 2 months to help her chances of survival be much better.

Later that night I woke up and didn’t feel right, when I got up from bed and I felt a small pop inside of me, when I looked down at the bed there was a puddle of blood. Disoriented I went to the restroom and right outside the bathroom door my water brook and I started to hemorrhage, I opened the door and called the nurses, I was so scared I was going to lose my baby. My grandmother was there spending the night in the waiting room and they rushed to get her, she and I were so scared we both cried and prayed. I was so relieved to find out my baby was ok and that they could try and still keep me pregnant. For a week I would hemorrhage on and off I passed blood clots as big as foot balls. Our little girl some how filled the womb back up with fluid and she was doing well through out my illness. But I knew she was going to come very soon.

A week later on June 25th 2005 at 9:00pm I started to hemorrhage once again but this time I was having contractions and the bleeding was much heaver than usual, Dr. Geoffrey Ghram was on call and insisted that I go in to surgery immediately for and emergency C section, I protested but he said I had no choice if I did not go in at this second my baby and I both wont make it another hour.

At 9:45pm our were delivered but I was still not doing well, the bleeding had gotten worse and they thought they were going to have to give me a hysterectomy. Luckily, my vitals picked up and the bleeding started to ease and I was stabilizing, they did not have to do the hysterectomy.

My husband left my side the second she was born. She was screaming at the top of her itty bitty lungs. She was doing so fantastic that they let my husband cut the umbilical cord. He said that right before he cut the cord she opened her little eyes and looked at him and ripped his heart out of his chest and it’s been hers from that moment on. She was 1lbd. 6.9 oz and 11 ½ inches long

It was still a struggle after she was born, a week after she was born she had to have heart surgery and was on life support for a month. She had many infections and had three blood transfusions, but she fought so hard to stay alive. At one point a doctor told me that I should let her go but I refused to give up on her. She came home three months later, just one day before her due date, September 23rd 2006 at just a little over 5 lbs.